My Grandmom passed away a week and a half ago. I’ve been wanting to write about her, but I’m not the best at sorting and explaining my thoughts when it comes to serious things. Funny I’ve got down, but usually I avoid all heavy emotion. Maybe it’s because I rarely feel emotions other than joy or mild annoyance. Grief and anger and sadness are generally such a foreign part of my personality. Or maybe it’s because all of those emotions are uncomfortable for me. Regardless this is my attempt to convey my thoughts.
My Grandpop on my dad’s side passed away when I was only 7 or 8. I don’t remember much other than that he was fun, but a bit distant. As I grew older I heard more about how he was an alcoholic and a pretty cold father. My dad is amazing and incredibly loving, but one of the reasons he is that way is because he wanted to be everything for us that my Grandpop never was for him. I also learned as I got older that Grandpop was controlling of Grandmom.
When Grandpop passed away Grandmom was able to blossom and be the Mom/Grandmom/GGmom she always wanted to be. Most of my cousins are in their late 30s so my siblings and I are on the young side of the family. There are currently about 10 great grandkids (I say about since there is some weirdness with stepkids and my cousins divorces. Not because there are weird half children running around ;).
When Grandmom was on her own she was at everything. She never missed a show, recital, concert or sports event. She came to every grandparents’ day. And she even braved my mom’s crazy Italian side and came to those family events as well. She would just sit in the corner and smile enjoying the chaos.
My mom’s side of the family is full of strong female figures and I always assumed my strength, stubbornness and strong will came from them. I am sure it is a mixed bag, but as I grew older I saw how Grandmom was the embodiment of quiet strength and stubbornness to a fault.
As a true depression baby she saved EVERYTHING. I appreciate this in the fact that we have hundreds of old pictures of her family even back to when she was a baby. Boxes of them, which also makes me realize how much of my looks come from my dad’s side. It is incredible and when I go home tonight I am going to add some of them to this post. Pictures of her on the beach as a teenager, a picture of my Grandpop’s proposal and many others. Where this becomes a bit much is how she would save every tiny piece of paper, half used jelly packets and various other ridiculous things.
I also grew to realize how strong she was in her faith. She chaired boards on her church, was part of various Christian women’s groups and prayer groups with my mom. As my mom said “if you were on her prayer list you stayed there everyday until she got an answer. ”
When I was in high school Grandmom was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She spent a lot of time in the hospital, lost all her hair and most of her weight, but she kicked its ass and never had a recurrence. I remember visiting her and getting to witness her stubbornness and drive. If you tried to get her to do anything she didn’t want to do you would get the look. She’d bend her head down and look out of the tops of her eyes while giving you a little side smirk. Like “I’d just like to see you try that.” I guess because of all of this the past month has seemed a little surreal.
A month or so ago Grandmom fell and was in a lot of pain. On top of that she wasn’t feeling well, but as usual was too stubborn to tell anyone about it. Everyone started to notice when she was rapidly losing weight and not eating much. Aunt Carol basically took her into her home for a while to keep an eye on her. She was admitted into the hospital a few times for malnutrition and dehydration. They said she was suffering from “heartbreak”. They said often elderly people who are lonely will suffer heart problems. The entire family rallied around her and the doctors said her heart problems were all gone, but that she had a long road to recover her strength. Most importantly that meant eating, drinking and exercising.
The family installed a chair lift at her house and bathroom adjustments so she could get in there with her walker til she recovered her strength. Then we all got together and set a calendar so that a family member would be there for every meal and overnight. Grandmom really wanted to be at home and her goal was to be able to drive her car again. We all knew that was ridiculous, but encouraged her so that she would work for her goal. We also began discussing that if she stayed as frail as she was we may need to look into assisted living.
February has been an incredible blessing. Huz and I said every Sunday we would pick her up at church, take her home and eat lunch with her. And then a few week nights I volunteered for dinners. My goal was to ask Grandmom about her life since I began to realize that this was such a great opportunity to learn more about the woman she was. Admittedly I was too selfish and immature to do this earlier in my life. Grandmom must have had the same idea because without even asking she started telling us stories about how her and my Grandpop met because she signed up to correspond with a soldier during WWI and ended up getting his name. She said his letters were so funny and cute that when he came home for leave they met for the first time. On another one of his leaves they got engaged.
I could go on and on about her amazing life and probably will in a later post, but I want to focus on the rest of February. That first week we were all realizing that Grandmom wasn’t really eating much, but if you were patient she would eat a sufficient amount. She mainly wanted soup, but if it was something she wasn’t familiar with she would give you the look and wonder what would possibly make you think she would eat that. Then we would make her get up with her walker, do some laps around the bottom floor, do some squats and some arm exercises. It was a struggle, but she was fighting for it. Unfortunately no matter what she ate it was going right through her and she was getting no nutrition.
Into the second week she was getting too weak to stand up on her own even with the help of her walker. She was losing her memory and would repeat herself often, but even with that she would engage with you and make you feel special. She has a Phillies daily calendar with trivia. She would give me a stack of them and say, “See if Huz can get these ones because they are very tough. I couldn’t even get them.” Just her little way to let him know she was thinking of him.
Thursday of that week I was over for dinner and Grandmom couldn’t get out of the chair without my help. I brought a chicken soup, but she said she couldn’t chew it and could I just heat her up some broth. Then she insisted it had to be in her soup mug because that’s how she wanted it.
The next day when she woke up she needed my dad and uncle to go over to carry her out of bed to take her to the doctors. Saturday when my parents went over in the morning they called all of us to say they didn’t know if she would make it through the day. My brother in Virginia drove his whole family up and it turned into a huge party. Grandmom sat in her recliner a bit out of it, but rallying for the company. And she was surrounded by every kid, grandkid, great grandkid, cousin and my 93 year old great Aunt Num who needs her own entry. She is so spry. And when my nephew came in he yelled “GGMOM!!” and ran over to hug her. We weren’t there yet and when my mom told me that, it was the first time I broke down.
That night hospice brought a hospital bed into the living room so she could be comfortable. My mom asked if she wanted the oxygen mask to help her breathe and my mom got the look. My mom and aunt said well when you fall asleep we’ll just put it on anyway which got a good eye roll. We sat next to her bed while she slept looking through old picture books. Sunday morning Aunt Carol was there and Grandmom said she was having trouble breathing. Aunt Carol said “It’s ok mom. Just rest.” Grandmom took one more breath and passed away. That day the entire family gathered again and spent time together around her. She did not want a viewing so it was our small family viewing. Thank God for my dad’s family which is the definition of healing with humor.
Around 1 the undertaker came to take the body. We went back to my parents and got to spend more family time.
This past Saturday was her memorial service. My dad, mom, cousin and uncle spoke. I have never seen my family so sad. Of course we were laughing through the tears, but you could just see how much she was loved. My dad was trying to be strong, but just seemed so broken. I sat with my siblings and cousins and we all wept it out. On a side note the choir consisted of 5 older members of questionable musical ability. I know I shouldn’t make fun since there were there to love and honor Grandmom, but they were so bad that it sent my sisters and I into hysterics. After all that crying I couldn’t handle it it was so funny.
Then whether healthy or not we went to my cousins and had some wine around 1. Then we continued to have more wine. And whiskey and various other things. The day was filled with more laughter and love.
When my Pop-pop passed away it was devastating, but he deteriorated slowly and we knew it was coming. Not that that helps much, but I guess it does change it a little. In Grandmom’s case it was just so fast. And while I am comforted by the time we got to spend with her it has hit me harder than I thought I could be hit. I know grief passes, but I’m just in such a cloud of sadness.
I know she’s better off. I know I will see her again. It just seems like she gave up and that is not like her. I just miss her. It’s that running thought that she won’t get to meet my kids and she won’t be at my next play. It’s probably compounded by the fact that I only have one living grandparent left. And I can see that whole generation getting to the end. It doesn’t seem right not to have them here. It doesn’t seem right not to have her here. And in all this I know how silly I am for feeling this way because it’s the way life has always been. And it’s silly because she got to live such a full beautiful life. But that doesn’t stop the sadness.
Not very eloquent, but just my jumble of thoughts. I have a million more, but it would probably get odious and a have a meeting in 15 mins that I need to calm myself for. I will definitely be adding pictures of my “Amazing Grace”. I know it will just take time. That God never gives us more than we can handle. It just stinks no matter how you coat it.
bighairnerd 
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