When the cat’s away the mouse will assume there’s an imminent home invasion

My Hubz works for a holdings company which means they are always buying new companies that they then visit and convert to their reporting systems. I know that sounds like the exciting beginning to an adventure, but I promise that is as much detail as you’re getting. Recently they bought a company based in Miami and put the Huz in charge of the acquisition so he will be doing quite a bit of travel.

This week he was going down Tuesday-Thursday which is a super short period of time in the adult world. However, with my overactive imagination and what has been happening to our house in the past month I am totally paranoid to be home alone at night. And by paranoid I secretly mean terrified. I scheduled a sleepover at my friend’s house for Wednesday night but Tuesday was all me.

There is a couple I know who live in a very populated neighborhood of twin homes and relative busyness. He travels weeks at a time and I used to always think it was ludicrous that she would spend every single night he was away at his parents’ house. I still do think it’s ridiculous and because of my own pride I force myself to stay home by myself most nights. But, I guess I sympathize a little with her now. Not enough to go stay at Huz’s parents for weeks at a time, but a little.

This is how Tuesday went: I had an awesome date night with my dad and sister where we went to see a live concert streaming at local movie theaters of Yo-Yo Ma’s recent musical project “Goat Rodeo Sessions”. Look it up. It’s amazing. I got home around 10 and decided to watch some TV. Then around 11 I had to turn off the TV. I quickly learned that our 100 year old farm house is creepy and silent when the TV isn’t on. Silent and then creaky and then the heat kicks on super loud then silent again.

My first mistake was that I went to bed anticipating that I would wake up every 45 minutes which was just a self fulfilling prophecy. Now I will describe my inner monologue all night which will probably convince everyone that I am officially insane:

As soon as I got home I turned on every exterior light because robbers/home invaders are going to be intimidated by my old lanterns attached to the side of the house.

11-12 I read my book in bed slowly using convincing arguments like “if someone wanted to break in they would do it during the day when no one is home” and “the only thing they’d get is a 3 year old TV” and “every other house on my block costs about 1 mill so they are obviously more worth breaking into” and most importantly “my house is so stinking old and creaky I would hear every step someone took so it’s not like you can be sneaky”.

12 I finally turn off the light and fall asleep surprisingly easily.

12:45 I wake up in a panic and look at the clock. By panic I mean when I wake up alone my heart is racing like I just ran a sprint. I am now pissed off that I have only made it 45 minutes. Then I hear that the boiler is running. Does it sound louder than usual? Is it going to blow up and Huz will have to identify me by my dental records? Did I check the smoke detectors recently? I finally fall back asleep.

1:30 Another panic. Did I just hear something? This is when I start to plan my night. Now I know for sure there will be a home invasion. They will break in specifically because they have been watching my house for months figuring out when I’m home alone and how to get into the house. I decide that once I hear them coming up the steps I can sneak out the window and climb down off of the porch roof. It seems like the bushes down there are cushy enough to break my fall. If I happen to break my leg in the process I will bring my phone with me to call 911 and I will also scream my head off. If I get down without a broken leg I will run to the neighbors who have lots of guns. I should probably sleep in my rings from now on so they don’t get stolen. Wait, I forgot about the second guy who is definitely waiting in the car and will see me go out on the porch roof. I wonder if I can drop 2 stories without hurting myself. Tuck and roll?

3  New panic. But at least this time I made it an hour and half undisturbed. Now is the danger time. At least up until 2 the locals could be driving home from the bars and the home invaders would be afraid to get caught. Now no one is on the road so it’s perfect timing. I debate going downstairs to get a steak knife and put it on the end table. But, I’m clumsy and with all the panicked waking up I will definitely accidentally cut my arm open and bleed to death while trying to find service in my old dead zone house. Then Huz will think it was a suicide when they find me and will be devastated and confused for the rest of his life. Should I text him to warn him I’m sleeping with a knife. No, then he’ll worry. I’ll just try to fall asleep again.

4:30 Panic. Does the room look smokey? It definitely does. Either fog has rolled in or there’s a fire. Why didn’t the detectors go off? Despite my knowledge that I have crossed a line into insanity I turn on the light just to make sure I will not suffocate on smoke in my sleep. No smoke. Just hazy paranoia. I’m probably safe now because the early risers are starting to drive to work so no one will risk breaking in. Plus the fact that the outside of my house is so bright with lights that no one could possibly sneak up.

6:30 Time to go to work. Good thing I’m so well rested. At least this time I didn’t sleep with the bedroom light on.

So there we have a glimpse into the insanity of someone with an overactive imagination living in an old house and being convinced that she is so awesome everyone wants to break in and steal her TV/virtue.

Wednesday was much better. I had an awesome sleepover filled with pizza, board games and chick flicks. And I only worried a few times that they would notice no one was home and break in. Or that my house would burn down. But don’t worry! I left the exterior lights on plus the light in the living room that is on a timer. Did I forget to mention that light? Probably because it makes me even crazier.

I can’t even blame this paranoia on media because I purposely do not read scary books or watch scary movies because I know my imagination will go nuts. The last one I watched was Signs which isn’t even that scary, but when I got home to my parents house I knew for sure there was a tall, lanky alien chillin’ behind the bushes out front waiting for us to get home.

The Huz came back last night and I had a much better sleep although I did wake up around 3 because all the extra covers I put on for one person made the bed about 95 degrees with two people. Nothing quite like waking up damp with sweat. Maybe that is why I look so good in the morning:
Mouthguard? check
Horrific morning breath? check
Giant Fro Hair? check
Puffy Eyes from sleepless nights? check
Sweaty back? check

I wish I had taken a picture this morning. Next time.

That was a random end of post tangent.

January Comes in Threes

Background: When we first moved into our house we bought new thermostats for the 3 heating zones of our house. We only installed one of them in the back sunroom so far and unbeknownst to us the new thermostat has a switch you have to turn on to use the heat. You can’t just set the temp without flipping this switch. And as we are brand new homeowners we are also ignorant.

Then, a month or so ago the Huz was doing insurance research to try to save us some money cause he’s financially awesome like that. We decided to switch to Geico since their coverage was similar to our old policy and it saved us a bunch. Now before you get all “wow Geico endorsement” read on.

January mishap #1: A few weeks ago I’m driving home from work and I was running late so Huz got home before me. When I get home he is standing outside freaking out. It took me a while to realize water is pouring out of our sunroom. The sunroom is an addition so it is raised up with a crawl space underneath it rather than being above the foundation of the house. And right now water is pouring through the floor. We go inside and there is about a 2 foot arc of scalding hot water shooting out of our baseboard heater.

As completely overwhelmed new homeowners we immediately call my dad in a panic asking what to do and he says “go in the basement and turn off the water”. And we think “oh duh of course”. Next thing he says is “you should call the insurance company to get an estimate. If there is a mold issue it could cost a lot to repair.”

Huz calls up Geico and the woman who answers the phone is very nice and says “We will send someone out there to make an estimate and then you decide whether you want to file the claim or not.” That seemed pretty straight forward to us. We figured with our deductible it probably wouldn’t be worth the ding our premium might take, but since we know nothing about water damage we wanted to get a professional opinion.

The man comes out and goes through the room and says he’ll send us the estimate in a few weeks. Last week we get the estimate and decide the amount of damage is not worth it to take a hit on our clean record by making a claim. Huz calls Geico and Claims Adjuster (I will call her Ruby) gets on the phone. She proceeds to tell Huz that the minute we called them and said we had damage that was making a claim. He tries to explain to her that the phone woman told us we could decide after the estimate if we wanted to make a claim. Ruby says “Well she just answers the phones and doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. From what I have been told there was some yelling by the Huz as he is not good at patient negotiation. Ruby says “Sorry (does not seem sorry) but we have absolutely no way to take the claim off your record. Even if you send the money back you will always have a claim on your record which will take about 3 years to clear and get your safe policy holder discount back”. That is about all the detail I have about their phone call.

We talk about it and I decide to call Ruby the next day to get some clarification. I come to find that Ruby is quite abrasive. After explaining to her that she spoke to my Huz and I would like to talk she says “well I already told him everything so I don’t know what else you want”. I explain that we were completely misled by the phone woman  considering she basically lied to us that we could decide about putting in a claim after the estimate” Ruby unhelpfully states that it’s not her fault the phone woman was wrong. I ask her how I should have magically known that the phone lady was lying? Ruby continues to be unhelpful and tell me that I should have called an outside contractor first to get an idea of the cost before calling the insurance. Which once again I say “How am I supposed to know that’s how it works? Since car insurance doesn’t  work that way.” Ruby helpfully states that “this isn’t car insurance”. Thank you Ruby for laying that out for me. Now everything is alright.

Then she talked about how our premium will most likely go up since we have a claim and it looks bad that we just opened our policy. “Yes, Ruby, that is why we don’t want the claim!” Once again the response was that there is physically no way in the entire world of computers for her to remove the claim. Which makes me angry on an even further level than us being lied to, because why would they penalize our premium if we send back the money and they are out zero dollars from our policy? And so I explain to Ruby that what I am most worried about is if something serious happens to our house in the next 3 years before our slate is clean and then we’re flagged and dropped for having 2 claims in a short period of time. Ruby says “Yeah.”

At this point I’m ready to climb through the phone and start clawing eyes, but I always try to be calm and collected thinking it will work with reasonable people. So instead I say “So, you’re telling me that we are basically screwed for the next 3 years for being lied to by your phone woman and not knowing that home insurance works on its own scale of crazy?” And Ruby says “oh don’t think of it that way.” WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT IT?! YOU JUST TOLD ME WE ARE GOING TO BE SCREWED FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS AND I SHOULD BE CALM ABOUT THAT NOW?! WHAT KIND OF COMPUTER SYSTEM ARE YOU ON THAT IT CAN’T BE ADJUSTED?!

Geico isn’t even going to be out any money when we send back the check so in the end they are out zero dollars and then get to charge us more premium. Anything to make more money at our expense. And there’s no way we could change our insurance in the next few years anyway because all the new company will see is that we are new homeowners that already have a claim. And a water damage claim at that which is another red flag.

My normal nauseatingly high optimism is taking a hit at this point because it’s hard to stay optimistic for 3 years of worry. And it’s really hard to not be discouraged when you are a new homeowner and everything that could go wrong seems to go wrong. The process of fixing the pipe and cleaning up the mess will have to be its own post.

January mishap #2: The next Friday Huz leaves his office to find that while his car was sitting in the parking lot someone smashed into the back of it pushing the wheel well into the tire. Luckily his office has cameras, but it’s Friday at 5 o’clock so that’s no help until Monday. At this point we didn’t know about the home insurance fiasco. So we call Geico and the person says to call the police and file a report. The policeman is very nice and tells Huz that they’ll look at the tape on Monday and if it is someone at the company he can always talk to them so Huz doesn’t have to worry about work conflict.

$85 later a tow truck guy comes and pries the metal off the tire so the car is at least drivable. Geico says let’s wait and see if you can figure out who did it before you file a claim. (At least we know the car ins operators are helpful). Monday Huz finds out it was one of his coworkers, they exchange information and his insurance is going to take care of everything. Thank goodness at least this mishap is taken care of financially. But, even after telling Geico that information we have received 2 phone calls asking what we want to do about the claim. HOW MANY WAYS CAN WE TELL YOU WE HAVE NO CLAIM SINCE THE OTHER INS COMPANY IS TAKING CARE OF IT? Huz talked to them again yesterday so hopefully that is the last we hear about it.

January mishap #3: Saturday night around 4am I wake up to a loud screeching sound and lights up on our bedroom ceiling. Since I wake up in a panic and am paranoid of my house now I start yelling about someone being at the door which is a wonderful way for Huz to wake up. He looks out the window and says “Um there’s a car on our lawn”. The police and a tow truck show up and remove the car from our lawn leaving in its place a dug up lawn, mangled street sign and a car jack which I can only assume belongs to the car owner. We have heard nothing so far about the fixing any of those things. We are very grateful nothing worse happened (which seems to be our phrase of choice lately) but it has also left us with a sense that every week for the rest of our lives something tragic is going to happen.

Conclusion: I am generally the epitome of laid back, worry free optimism. The Huz is a big ball of anxiety on most occasions and I am the voice of sunshine and positivity. The combination of the following month has given me a hardcore case of anxiety and since I am in no way prepared to deal with anxiety it is beating me up in a mentally unstable way. Last night I woke up every time the boiler kicked on. I woke up every time a car drove by. Not only did I wake up I laid in bed trying to calm down my heart rate which was physically racing like I had just finished a sprint.

On top of that I can’t leave my house without being paranoid the whole time that I am going to come home and it will have exploded. Or that someone is going to break in and steal everything. Or shoot us in our sleep. And on top of that we will have no insurance.

In my logical brain I know things will work out and not seem this bad in a month or two, but I am having some serious anxiety issues in the meantime. Then after waking up for the 20^th time I start thinking about how I probably need to be institutionalized.

On top of my anxiety the only solution I can come up with for the Geico issue is that I will have to call back again and try to talk to a manager. I have pictures of all these mishaps but it’s not working on my computer and I’m too drained to figure it out so I’ll add them later.

January is not our friend.

Amendment: I talked to my friend P-Diddy (who used to be an insurance guru) and he said that Ruby is mistaken. It will always be in our file that we made a claim, but because we sent back the money and no money was exchanged it can’t affect our premium/safe homeowner discount. My anxiety has gone down a few notches.

Amendment 2: Huz reminded me that Geico outsources their Home Insurance so really who I should be mad at is Homesite Insurance. I would go through and change all of the Geicos to Homesites, but how can you improve on a spur of the moment rant like that?

Pro-cras

So, I’ve learned my lesson again about procrastinating. It’s been so long since I posted that there is way too much to catch up on! Instead, here are the bullet points:

– We went out Christmas tree shopping. Huz complained the entire time that it was stupid, then I cried, then he apologized. And it was fat and awesome:
 I also got some dollar store dinosaurs, spray painted them white and hung them on the tree. Then I tied on some old chandelier crystals. I call it the ice age. Ignore the ugly white shades. I am making roman shades as my next craft!

– Huz made up for his Holiday grumping by getting me the best bike in the whole world!!!
 It is so super awesome with colors and a spot for a basket and a big seat! I just need to get a sweet bell now. I am going to go home and ride it through the nighborhood tonight because I am a child.

– My nephew got even cuter:
 My favorite thing about him is that he somehow knows I have the energy of a toddler so he always wants to play! We played a game where we ran in circles while he sang “Brazzle Dazzle Day”.  It made me so happy that my brother is raising him to love Pete’s Dragon.

– My niece managed to get really fat and awesome in just 3 months:
She is a living cabbage patch kid. I just need to make her a yarn wig. I wish I had a picture of her thighs for more fat evidence. She is so cute since she is starting to laugh! Seriously. she is the fattest ever.

Being surrounded by kids all the time does make me feel more ready to be an adult. But, I am definitely in no rush since the rest of our weekend involved a holiday wedding of partying all night and sleeping 4 in a couch bed. I love my friends! And a cookie baking day with some of my girls!!!

Also, in the meantime I was in one of the best shows ever Crazy For You. Now I have been in this musical 3 times, but this was just the best! So much fun and dancing and new friends! Plus, my dad was in it which makes it all the better. I am enjoying catching up on sleep and relaxation, but I miss it like crazy. Especially my red wig:
That’s me on the right and by bestie on the left. There are probably a thousand other funny things that happened to me, but I am just going to have to start over today since I’m a slacker. So, from now on I’m up to date!

Sad News

The school I went to growing up was for 1st-12th grade so my school friends and I have known each other for quite a long time. In first grade I met Ali. She was also an Alison so we immediately became best friends. All through elementary school we were Ali 1 and Alli 2.  As usual middle school ruins peoples lives so we kind of broke off and went our separate ways for a little while. But by the end of high school we reconnected and realized we have way too much fun together to not be friends.

After college we became close friends again. I sang at Ali’s wedding, we would have sleepovers on Mad Men nights and many many hours of laughing til I can’t breathe. All of this is to set the stage for how special this woman is to me.

As long as I have known Ali she has wanted to be a mother. She married a super awesome dude Sonny and they are some of the most loving and real people I know. One of their passions has always been to be parents, but they knew it would be tough. Ali started a blog a few months ago to tell the story of their experience with IVF, getting pregnant and most recently losing their baby. It is incredibly beautiful, heartbreaking and honest. She talks about her pain as well as her faith and it is worth reading.  Please check it out.

http://thelakes-foreverafamily.blogspot.com/

Through talking with her and watching her go through this I can’t help but get frustrated at times. Lately there are so many people in my life who have accidentally gotten pregnant or are having another kid they can’t support. I know God has given each of us our own struggles, but it is devastating to see two  loving people who have this passion for a family be broken like this. They will be the best parents.

It has also taught me to never pester people about when they are going to have babies. Ali said they got asked all the time because no one realized how badly they wanted a child, but couldn’t get pregnant. I realize now that you never know what people are going through so be kind and careful with your words.

I love Ali because she is completely open about feeling all these things too. She knows God is carrying them through this and he has a plan to heal their hearts, but she is also blunt about the fact that some days it hurts too much.  It just really sucks that their inherent passion of parenthood is thrown in their faces at this season of their lives.

We’ll be attending the memorial service this Saturday. I can’t even imagine what they are going through right now. I just pray for healing and that they would feel supported by the love of everyone there.

Nerd Attack!!

I was just innocently sitting at my desk eating a box of nerds that were left over from Halloween. I love nerds! Until now…

Somehow I managed to suck one up into my sinuses which immediately started giving me a headache. After blowing purple snot out of my nose for a few minutes  a big ol nerd flew out of my nose. And of course it was just the sugar rock inside left.

the moral

Best Ever

I have a lot to write, but not much motivation to do it today. Instead I will glory in the amazingness I found yesterday:

there are no words

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CANDY MOLDS FOR MUSTACHE LOLLIPOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously bold caps cannot convey my level of excitement. I saw this in michaels arts and craft store the other day and clearly I know what I am making for my birthday. Everyone will be required to carry one around while we go see the Hunger Games since it comes out that day. I know it’s in March, but prepare yourselves now.

I will also be making them for every major holiday. And bringing them into work. And giving them out as door prizes.

Life is beautiful.

In the Interim

Let’s see what I’ve gotten into the past few days/weeks:

1. I decided to make bruschetta for a bachelorette party. It was going really great and I was dicing like a master. Then I set turned on the broiler to toast the bread slices. Now I know that when you make roasted red peppers or broil vegis you put them up very close to the coils. Since I’m a genius I thought bread should work the same way. I only had it in there for like 2 mins and it caught on fire and smoked up my whole house. Huz and I were frantically opening windows and turning on fans. That was 4 days ago and our house still smells.

my smokey dining roomthe fruits of my labor

Hardcore Crafting

So, as I mentioned in the last post I have been obsessively crocheting the past few months to make blankets for each of my nieces/nephew. I found all of the patterns on various free crochet pattern websites.
 My brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby Oct 25 which seems crazily close now that I really stop to think about it. They are both super artsy so I decided to make a blanket that was a little different in that it is all circles.

It came out really cute and didn’t take very long since each circle is only about 6 rounds of stitching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For my little Peanut who was just born 5 weeks ago I made this flower one. It is just too sweet!

Plus as the first girl grandchild of our family she is going to be a little princess just like her Aunt Allison 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This last one is most definitely my crowning achievement! My little Muffin Man turned 2 this past Saturday and I knew a sock monkey blanket would be perfect since he has a big boy bed now with a monkey rug next to it. Plus, who doesn’t love monkeys?

And in good Aunt fashion I need to brag for a minute. He just turned 2 and he is the smartest (of course). He has a set of foam letters and he can tell you every letter, what color it is, what it stands for and all of his numbers too! My dad’s favorite is “P is for Pop-pop.” And then his other favorite game is trash truck. He lines up trash (toys) on my parents’ steps and then sits on the bottom step pretending he’s driving a trash truck. Creative genius! I may be slightly biased but I could go on for days.

Then yesterday I got home and was sad I didn’t have any more crafts to do (I need a sewing table/desk before I can start our living room roman shades). So, I made this last night:

I had bought everything for it at Michael’s when they were having their fall sale. So everything all together was probably only $5-7. Take that Michaels! trying to sell me a decorated wreath for $30-40. Will be perfect for the front door of my little farm house! So that is my life of crafting and partially why I’ve been MIA for a while. In addition I have been working on the show Crazy For You most nights. That needs to be its own post.

And I will leave you with this:

Peanut Head with her new present

Hookin

So, my absence this time can be explained: I have been intensely crocheting to get blankets done for my 2 year old nephew, 5 week old niece and my other niece who is due Oct 25. Of course I forgot my camera today so tomorrow’s post will be dedicated to my crafting skillz and my weekend of hanging out with the babies.

In the meantime I got a bottle of strawberry lemonade with my lunch. The big marketing phrase they came up with for the front of the bottle is “Real Lemon Bits.”

 

 

 

 

That blank space is for the pause I took after reading that for the first time. Lemon Bits. I’m assuming that means pulp, but apparently bits was a more appetizing word. I picture a commercial with kids on skateboards wearing neon colors zipping around abandoned pools and every time they do a trick the video freezes and neon squiggles dance around them. Then a voice over of “Calypso Strawberry Lemonade! Now with Real Lemon Bits!”

Just kidding. I want it to look exactly like this.

The past few days

Saturday – One of our friends is moving to Spain for a year or two to teach English which is awesome especially because now we can go visit her. This past Saturday she had a going away party. The crowd is always a little weird because she went to our high school and then transferred halfway through. Not that we are all that tame, but her other high school friends are K-razy (yes, check out that K).

I define this as “we still party like we are in high school and have no control.” My friend Kristin and I spent 85% of the party standing in the kitchen watching the chaos and making a running commentary. Here I will introduce the cast of characters:
Crutchy – Not quite as lovable as the Newsies version, Crutchy is a loud mouthed roommate who was on crutches.
Stripey – The younger sister of a friend who isn’t quite out of the college phase and was wearing a striped shirt.
GS (Gray Sweater) – Another younger sister who is still in college party mode.
Topenga – No lie this girl looked exactly like Topenga from Boy Meets World bangs and all. I told her this and she was super offended which confuses me because Topenga was awesome.

So, the night went like this: Crutchy starts making out with Stripey in the middle of the living room. Since we are now too old for this ridiculousness the only people watching were us (a bit dumbfounded and also laughing) and one dude who is the only one loving all of it. Then they stop and are giggling about how silly and drunk they are. Next Crutchy starts making out with GS and the same thing happens. I was feeling very old by this point.

For the next while various couples of Crutchy, Stripey, GS and Hoodie (random dude in a hoodie) would disappear into the bathroom. Then Stripey and GS start yelling at each other until they’re crying and hugging. I can only hope it was jealousy over who got to kiss the girl on crutches next. Every girl’s dream. All of these shenanigans went on for way too long and we were getting a little bored. Except for when Topenga saw us laughing and was like “you could just say it to our faces.” And we said “OK. We think you’re ridiculous and we’re laughing at you.”

When we thought it couldn’t get any better we look up just in time to see Crutchy fall down a flight of stairs and bust a hole into the dry wall. Now I need to preface this with the fact that according to my friend Crutchy is an attention needer (surprise) and even being on crutches has been all about the attention getting. Plus, seeing something drunk tumbling down the stairs followed by their crutches is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. So I had to stifle my laughing and run outside to grab Kristin and tell her the amazingness she missed. I wish I had a picture at least of the hole in the wall.

Last, but not least Crutchy’s friend from work (did I forget to mention they’re all teachers? I fear for my children) proceeded to puke ON the bathroom door. And I mean ON. They live in a log cabin house and the doors have a bunch of crossbeams and there was chunks resting on the crossbeams. I know I have done some dumb things in my life, but I feel like I got over it quite a few years ago. Even at my brother’s wedding in my parents’ hotel room I managed to make it to the bathroom. At this point we decided it was time to leave since there was no way it was getting better than that.

Sunday – Now this is the best news of all! I’m in the musical Crazy for You right now and the guy who was supposed to play the father in the show dropped out. So, my dad is going to be in it! This is super exciting for me because my dad and I have always been into theater, but he’s never been in a show. We talk all the time about doing one together and finally it is working out. He’s so cute and nervous about it and it is going to be the best! So, everybody better get ready for an explosion of awesome!

Monday – Adultery spouse contacted me again. I haven’t updated about this yet, but she has been pretending ever since that night that she is an alcoholic which is what caused the incident. I have no interest in being involved in that lie. I was trying to let it go, but every few days she was texting huz or I to say things like “5 days sober :)” I  couldn’t take it anymore so I wrote back and said something along the lines of “I’m glad you’re doing well. The whole thing seems weird with the ‘alcohol made me cheat on my husband’ thing. It’s fine if you guys want to work through it that way, but I just don’t want to be involved.”

Apparently me saying I don’t want to be involved translated in her brain to let’s get together because I got another message that said “Can we get together to talk.” I don’t even want to get into the list of reasons I have to say No. There is a line between being there for someone and being in the middle of their shiz. And I have zero interest in being in the middle of someone’s marriage issues. And most of all if I had cheated on my huz in someone’s back yard I would never want to speak to/see them ever again. How are you not embarrassed at all?

I’m kind of sad that my funny post ended on a downer note so I will officially end with this:

this is exactly what i will look like when i grow up